mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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