Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can you repeat that, but with context?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
