My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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