Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
