My liver just broke up with me...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
