woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
