i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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