my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
