Tell her she can't have a vagina
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
