OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
