Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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