lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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