Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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