well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
