I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize