is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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