Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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