Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
