Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
