Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
