My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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