I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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