Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
