I can tuck mytits in my pants
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
