I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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