a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
