So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
