I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
