I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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