Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
