The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
