First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
