you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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