i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
