Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
