If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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