i just sent this text using only my big toe
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
