shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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