I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
