Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize