pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We are two peas in an std pod
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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