I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
