Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Someone shit on the floor
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
