Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
