I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I will pee on everything he values.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize