he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
