He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize