Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
