My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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