I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
