Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I checked into jail on foursquare
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
