I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize