my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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