I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
accomplished twins. life is a go
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
