Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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