a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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