I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
