I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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