I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
