dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
