fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
