I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
